Love

So this past weekend, I was hit with reality in a very harsh way.

I was told, that I was never going to be loved....by a particular person of course. The reason is because... I'm too good for them? Better than they are? I would think that would be all the more reason to love someone.

What A Week!

So in less than a week...

I was snowed in
Got terrible cabin fever
Got cable, internet and phone installed
Cabin fever disappeared
Wrote 5 papers
Took 2 exams (2 more coming next week)
Had a disagreement that sort of blew out of proportion... (but I started the entire thing by opening my trap in the first place so strike one for me)
Got bombarded with bible thumping... (SMH)
Had 1 fun, distracting night with a special friend... ;-)
And witnessed the most obvious hypocrisy in the world and then joined in myself...(because I'm not a monster after all)

And the week is still not over...
Tomorrow, I have to clean, go to the post office, "cleanse" the house (not the same as cleaning the house lol) and do some groceries and somehow find the energy to go out and meet with my friend for some beer....
And finally the week will be over...

Oh and I have a tooth that is slowly chipping away currently...

Next week will start with a test... a dental appt... another test and who knows what else.. I'm sure some papers will pop up in the midst...

Keeping these fingers crossed for a smoother ride....

Perception

The move was over a week ago. And I can't complain. The only negative about this place is the distance. Otherwise, it's peaceful, it's nice and no one is getting on anyone's nerves because neither my sister nor I are ever here. As a matter of fact, I haven't seen her in over a week. But she's alive and well. She's "Honeymooning" with the other half. We all remember that phase in relationships. Sometimes, if you're lucky, it lasts forever!

Anyway, next subject....
The other day I had an image of my ex. I remember coming down the stairs of our townhouse in the Poconos (and I use "ours" loosely) and he was looking up at me...and for the first time ever, I saw him for what he is...ugly. It really freaked me out. He is a good looking man for the most part and most of my friends and family members always thought so, and at that moment, things with him weren't bad, but I just saw something sooo unattractive about him.....

It made me think.... Was that a sign of things to come? I mean, things between us were always up and down, before and after that moment, but I had never seen him that way. Was the ugliness seeping out of his pores? And should I have taken that as a warning?

Right now, I'm a single woman. I see someone on a regular basis, and he's an amazing friend - hopefully a friend for life if nothing else - And even though, we had somewhat of a big down at a certain point, I've never seen him that way..... I mean, we don't always look spectacular right? But I can never say that I've looked at him and found him "ugly."

So on that same note, I started thinking of yet another person I once dated. And, once again, at first, everyone - including myself - thought...wow, he's not bad looking at all. And it helped that he was funny and seemed sweet and generous. But on our first official date...we were sitting down in a lounge and he was talking and talking and talking... and I had that image with him as well. He just became...ugly. Not because of his talking...but his appearance changed before my eyes... Well, once again, I should have seen it as a sign. While nothing major ever took place with him, he attempted to really play games with me, and he basically fed me one of the biggest lies ever... and not too long after my discovery that he was a dirty whore AND a coke-head... his physical appearance began to dwindle. An epiphany of what was to come? Maybe.

I think it also works the other way around. Another dude that I briefly dated, I hadn't found attractive at first. And while he was no saint, because we always kept it more or less honest and ended things without really ending them... he actually went from being ugly...to decent looking. Before anything ugly could occur... (and it eventually did, just thankfully not with me)... it was done and over with... With me he was sincere (for the most part) and generous (by his own standards).

I guess my point is that it's a sign to look out for. Once your partner, the person you're dating...or even just a platonic friend... starts to look ugly... it's probably just their true essence pouring out of their body.

Randomness

I started a second blog for the random things I find. I'm trying to condense my mess so it's better to put it up somewhere. Of course, it would be a great idea if I backed everything up because the last blog site I posted on died. I'm still not happy about that. Lots of valuable postings I had up there...that's for sure.

Well, things are settling. Looking good again, getting exciting.

I saw this amazing play last night called A View From the Bridge by Arthur Miller starring Scarlett Johanssen and Liev Shrieber... LOVED IT! I want to run and see another one. And the bonus was getting to see Susan Lucci before the play. I wanted pictures but it was cold out and I didn't feel like waiting...plus I had to use the bathroom. It would've been something like an hour before the stars would run out. And really, is it all that serious? Perhaps not. They are just human beings...but if I have nothing to do after the move, I'll go take a trip with my friend into the city and get the pics then on a warmer night.

Well...the landlords must think that since it's our last week here they don't need to give us heat becuase it's freezing in my apartment again. Sigh. It's almost over. And it so happens that we only have 2 more months of cold left anyway....

Anyway, I think things are just going to get better from here on out. At least I hope. Again...we'll see!

Finally....

Okay...so the anxiety is subsiding... Finally, everything is falling back into place. Moving next weekend. Sigh...

I'm definitely going to start packing today. My sister tells me yesterday that people aren't exactly on the same wavelength we're on... I forget how she worded it (which is too bad because it was right on target) but she was saying we're just way ahead of the game when it comes to getting things together and organization while everyone else lags behind. She's right. And I don't mean to sound so full of myself because it's more of an issue we have than anything else.

I do tend to procrastinate a lot but at least I always KNOW where I'm going or what I'm going to do. It really clicked last night when I heard my roommate discussing her moving situation with a friend and I thought....she just NOW decided when to move and how to pack, etc etc. So really, it is just me acting crazy. I just can't NOT know things... I have to have a schedule or I end up not doing anything or doing everything half assed.

Anyway, now I can breathe, but I have to say that I'm super sad to be leaving Brooklyn. It has truly become my home in the past year (even though I've been here for three). But I decided that I will move back to Brooklyn or downtown Manhattan after I'm done with school. Because the truth of the matter is that I need money and I can't just up and leave. My funds have depleted considerably since being unemployed and I have to use my brain.

It's funny. This past week I was talking to my childhood sweetheart and he asks me to drop everything and move down to Florida with him in March. Smh... First of all, I haven't seen you in how many years? About 12? And secondly, been there and done that. Not making the same mistake again. Plus, my emotions are in a different place right now. The illusive feelings I had for this kid over a year ago are a big joke right now.

The way I'm feeling about life... and other things and people... well, let's just say I'm taking everything for what it is and everyone for what they are. I care immensely for people I never thought I'd give a second look....and I'm just generally at a different place in my life right now. Things are good right now. Life is good. Why change anything?

I am happy and grateful to be where I am today.... I want to go further but I'm definitely content as of right now. I will be even happier and more grateful when I'm done with school.... and when I've moved into my own place....

Movies...Haiti...

Let me first address this ongoing Haiti catastrophe. I feel very, very bad for these people. On the news today, there was speculation that the government may have caused the earthquakes due to military testing. This wouldn't be the first time any political power has destroyed a people and caused a natural disaster. Do your research people. (i.e. Puerto Rico...Guatemala...Cuba...etc etc)

Meanwhile, we have all these Bible beaters going around saying that this happened to Haiti due to their lack of belief in God....or I should say...in A God rather than the gods. Sigh. The amount of ignorance I've encountered is just..... there's a lack of words to describe it.... Let's just say this... Before monotheism ever existed or became an idea...there was polytheism. I'm just going to leave it at that. (Did you know that the story of Noah's Ark was around during SUMERIAN times..... and yes...there is archaeological evidence to suggest that there was in fact an Ark....)

There's nothing that anyone in Haiti did to deserve such destruction. It's ridiculous, unfair and unjust. And if it wasn't caused by a political force...well...guys it just happens. And it's our chance to actually DO something for others rather than just watch things happen to them.

Anyway, on that note, I went to see The Book of Eli...and while I was saddened by Denzel's injuries in the movie...I can't say I was impressed it...especially the ending. Actually, I was quite unimpressed. I should have paid for Up in the Air (which I snuck into). While that movie had a depressing ending...the entire storyline was excellent. I think The Book of Eli was lacking a little something...and I felt that it was tooooo easily done....And I'm not talking special effects....I just mean it was too short of a movie for it to evoke any true feeling in me other than the aforementioned sadness at Denzel's injuries... I just expected something spectacular to happen and honestly memorizing the book, even if it IS the Holy Bible...is not impressive... (see previous blog on Autistic children - I'm sure there are a couple out there that can memorize each and every scripture backwards and forwards). Anyway, I'll re-judge that movie after I read that book...because it was in fact based on a novel. I haven't seen The Road yet...but I did read the novel by Cormac McCarthy that it was based on...and THAT storyline had a much more powerful and enlightening message.... Anyone who has read the books and/or seen the movies.... will understand why I've compared the two. Similar "end of the world" storylines...but they went somewhere entirely different in their "what if's." The Road was just FILLED with hope that The Book of Eli just lacked. Again, I will judge further once I've read The Book of Eli and seen the movie adaptation of The Road.

Well that's enough gibberish for today....I had a couple of other thoughts but sometimes some things are better left unsaid!

Evolution? Parallel Universes?

Sometime last week, there were some posts going around on Facebook regarding Autism awareness. The first person to post this was a friend of mine from elementary school who so happens to have 2 sons with autism. This set off so many thoughts in my head...

I've noticed in the past 5-10 years this spurt of children having or developing disorders that fall under the Autistic umbrella...and that's including Asperger's syndrome as well as Pervasive Developmental Disorder. Could it be that while we're feeling sorry for these children, that they are actually more evolved than the rest of us are? Especially with the quantity increasing. While it's true that they have alot of other problems that accompany their "disorders," (such as OCD, sensitivity to noise, etc.) but they also have the priviledge of being 100% honest without worrying once about what other people think or feel. Or how about the fact that they are at a different level of emotional development where they can detach themselves from anything and anyone without the pain or heartache that the rest of us go through. Could it possibly be that they are way more advanced than the rest of us? How about the fact that so many of these children have special talents/abilities that the rest of us don't have?

It's apparent that this state of mind is not perfected if it is in fact an example of human evolution...but there are definitely advantages.

It's a definite thought...even a possibility and the more I learn, the deeper I will delve. But here's something that's proven. The theory of evolution. SCIENCE. And we as humans continue to evolve every single second...minute...hour....day..... Our features...sexuality...minds... all changing. Think about it. Definitely food for thought.

Anyway, on to another topic....Parallel Universes....

Last night there was a special on Parallel Universes on the Science Channel. I watched a small part of it with my....someone? and being that he loves science, we got into this interesting conversation, right before falling asleep, regarding the possibilities. One of his theories was that it's possible that when we go to sleep, the energy leaves our bodies, travels through some worm hole in the galaxy that may in turn jump into our bodies in our alternate lives...and that this process may be continuous throughout many different galaxies, etc etc...meaning we may live several different lives at the same time and not even know it. Now keeping this in mind...he goes on to say, that it may explain why we have these crazy (yet incredibly real) dreams that we remember clearly when we wake...

To which I replied, "Well, if that theory were true...that would mean most of the fiction written in books is actually not fiction at all since most books are based on dreams." Think about it. Let's take Stephen King. Every single one of his books and stories are based on his dreams and nightmares. If my counterpart's theory is true...that would mean every single twisted thing Stephen King has written has been based on FACT! How crazy would that be?!?!?

And again...that would bring us back to my original point....that at least 90% of books published as fiction...should actually be non-fiction...? Could it be? Hmmmm...we'll also delve into this further on another day....

A Million Thoughts and I Zone In On This

I've come to the conclusion that I am now too old to go out all night long. I've tried it twice in the past 2 weeks and I'm pretty much over it. 28 was the limit for me. I went wild for a year or two and that was quite enough.

I much prefer staying at home with someone and watching movies or engaging in endless chatter about nonsense. Going out to the movies or dinner with friends has also become my pastime. So what? I've always been too old for my age. I feel young in other ways and that's all that matters.

Getting home at 3am after spending money I do not have on alcohol which I don't get to keep as it is disposed shortly after drinking, is just not appealing to me. Waking up the next morning feeling dehydrated.....ridiculously hungry...and in pain....also not appealing to me. So goodbye nights of drinking and dancing and hello to endless nights in front of the tv enjoying quality time with my loved ones.

Crisis in Haiti

This is somewhat depressing for my first post, but here it is.

If you haven't been hiding in a cave somewhere or underneath some rock, then you know that there was a devastating earthquake in Haiti that has taken many, many lives and has left even more victims without a home...

On that note, I urge those of you who are doing well or that have gotten a hand in the past to help out.

You can find ways to help by going to http://www.state.gov or http://www.whitehouse.gov

You can also text the word HAITI to 90999. That is a completely valid text number to the American Red Cross which will post a charge of $10 to your phone bill in order to help the cause. Or you can call 1-800-733-2767 to donate a little more or a little less...or to find other ways to help.

As demonstrated by Hurricane Katrina a couple of years ago, the United States is not out of harm's way. So pay it forward guys. You never know when you may need help.

Also, if you have family there you are concerned about, you can call 1-888-407-4747. They have started gathering a list of victims/survivors and those who have passed away during this awful tragedy. You can get more information about your loved one by calling that line but please have faith and be patient as today is the first day that they've had communication in Haiti.